either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
