quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
