I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
