so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize