Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Randomize
