May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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