Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
