i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
