I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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