OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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