You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Randomize
