I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
