On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
