I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
