The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
