somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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