Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize