Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
