I forgot how hot balto sounded
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Randomize
