i already hear my dad disowning me
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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