your thong is hanging out like whoa
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
