stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
