Whatcha textin bout Willis?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Randomize
