I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
