you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
