There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
