just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
