My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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