so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I wish there were birth control emojis
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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