I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Couch. On fire.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
