I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize