The maid of honor just puked.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
