new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
