someone threw a dead crab at me
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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