I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
