I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize