take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
