Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
