he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
