what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
