Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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