just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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