He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
