i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize