I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
