Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
