I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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