just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
