You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
