Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
So many bounce houses so little time
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
