dude i'm inner monologue high
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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