Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
