u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
