I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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