Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
