She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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