I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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