i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
